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Low Men by ~Lavos12:iconLavos12:

Categories Literature > Poetry > General Poetry > Open


These low men
These vagrants
The tireless
Great coats and beady eyes
The fiends

They all
Their Legion
Steps down the cement
"Ruined their minds;
None left"
Oak panels they brush
The Good Doctor on his legs
White on white
the stains and their gaze
Indistinguishable

The Good Doctor wrenches his blade
Glass eye focused
Breathing the stale air
Cautionary verge
Dead eye on dead eyes
"Are you one of them."

Legion is upon,
tapping on hardwood
tapping on
These yellow skinned
They're crying
These tired
They're beating
These Ill
They're there
Dead eyes on dead eyes

These low men
These vagrants
The tireless
The fiends
Step up the cement
©2008-2009 ~Lavos12
:iconlavos12:

Author's Comments

Semi-quick one, mostly written after I thought up the first few lines. Sorry for all the morose stuff lately, but it's the only stuff I think up that seems good enough to encourage actual work.

Er, other then that, enjoy! Tell me what you think!

Comments


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:icondoubtingthomas:
~doubtingthomas Feb 5, 2008, 4:55:34 AM
I get a very Victorian or Indusrial Revolution vibe off a lot of your pieces, which is/are/am cool and excellent.

I liked "the stains and their gaze/Indistinguishable".

--
- - - - - - - - [ BRICKS ] - - - - - - - -
[When you shit them, you'll shit bricks.]
:iconlavos12:
~Lavos12 Feb 5, 2008, 11:48:49 AM
Heh, and that was a line I was considering removing.

Thanks man!

--
This post has been a part of your destiny.
:iconfredstudios:
~FredStudios Feb 5, 2008, 12:34:39 PM
Like the last comment said, I get sort of an industrial revolution feel off of this one.

I like the way you wrote it.
:iconpetsuchos-isis:
~Petsuchos-Isis Feb 8, 2008, 9:32:49 PM
I really really like this. For my Samstyle poem reading experience, it goes from a kind of bleary feel, to a more gruesome feel. I LOVE that, since I didn't expect the turn reading the intro stanza. Also, the "Good Doctor" line seems so ironic. And he reminds me of Sweeney Todd.
For the line you wanted to change, "The stains and their gaze/indistinguishable," etc, do you think it would also work if it were "The stains match their gaze; indistinguishable"? I dunno, I just thought of it.

The third and fourth stanzas are my favourite. It's so ... evil feeling. I love love love it. The italicized lines really add to it, almost like a narrative conscious for the 'Good Doctor'.

This is so awesome. You should write more, because everything you do create is amazing. :heart:

--
"Fiyero's capacity for evil is in believing too strenuously in a capacity for good."

"And yours?"

"Mine is in thinking in epigrams."
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